I think I can’t…

I think I can’t, I think I can’t, I think…too much. Oh to be The Little Engine That Could, but I’m not. I’ve said for years that if I were a superhero I would be Worst Case Scenario Girl. I have no problem looking at a situation and finding all of the potential negatives. I’m even more skilled at selecting the negatives about myself. Oh and don’t get me started on excuses. SO MANY EXCUSES! Then comes fear. Fear is like that toxic friend that you know you shouldn’t hang out with, you know they will only get you into trouble and leave you holding the bag, you know they don’t actually care about you, but still you persist in thinking that maybe this time it will be different. It never is. Fear is a seductive bully who beats you into the ground with everything you are not and then leaves you with a list of “if only you were…” All of that baggage aside, I’m a dreamer. Oh I have hopes and dreams for days, but I cannot seem to pull the motivation from my soul to finish grabbing them. Perhaps it’s the dreary weather today that has me contemplating how pathetic it is for me to know all of this and still have no idea how to turn it all around. Or perhaps it is the fact that I want so much more out of life, but yet here I am struggling to find my footing when I know which path to take (at least to start). How is it possible to see everything that needs to be different, and still not know where to go from here? Every time I start to step forward I backslide ten spots and begin to wonder why I even tried. Which then makes me question if I really tried to begin with. Which leads to a venting/ranting monologue with no hopes of hearing a response that will be the “AHH HA!” moment I need. I have the answers, I think I know the steps, but how do I put them together and finally quit being my own worst enemy (and critic)?

The Steps:
Quit saying, “I can’t”
Quit leaning on the excuses
Quit comparing where I am to where I think I should be
Quit beating myself up
Quit thinking of the worst case scenarios (at least not so much that they become a road block)
Begin, again, and again, and again until beginning changes to progressing
Actually try to achieve my dreams, starting with the little ones
Ignore the backward slide and keep pushing forward
Figure out what I really want, and f-ing do it.
Live authentically, without apology

Hmm…this almost looks like a plan. Maybe this is where I start, really start. Ranting to the unseen masses, and pushing back at myself. Here’s to no longer being my own worst enemy.

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